Is there such a thing as a "perfect" family?
The American family is a rapidly
changing institution. You may have grown up in the stereotypical American
family - two parents and one or more children, with a father who worked outside
the home and a mother who stayed home and cared for the children and the
household. Today, with the entry of so many more women into the workforce, with
the increasing divorce rate, and with the growing number of single-parent
households, other family structures have become more common.
If your own family is not like
the one you grew up in, your situation is certainly not unusual. Currently, 30
percent of American families are now headed by single parents, either divorced,
widowed, or never married. Some children live in foster families; others live
in step-families or in gay and lesbian families. In more than two thirds of
families, both parents work outside the home.
Even if your own family fits the
more traditional mold, your children will almost certainly have some friends
who live in households with different structures. From time to time you can
expect your youngsters to ask questions like "Why do people get
divorced?" "How come Jimmy's mother and father don't live
together?" "Why does Annette's father live with another lady?"
Because families are so important to children, parents need to be able to
answer such questions with more than mere slogans or quick replies. By asking
these questions, children are trying to understand two things about families:
the different structures that families can take and the changes in structure,
lifestyles and relationships that can occur.
Any group of people living
together in a household can create and call themselves a family. For example,
to share expenses a divorced mother with two children may live with another
divorced woman with children; together, they may consider themselves a family.
A grandparent who lives with her daughter, son-in-law, and grandchildren may
become an integral part of their family. The variations of family structures
and definition are almost endless, but they have certain qualities in common:
Family members share their lives emotionally and together fulfill the multiple
responsibilities of family life.
MYTH: The "Nuclear Family" Is A Universal Phenomenon
The nuclear family is generally
defined as a family group made up of only a father, mother, and children.
Although most people tend to think that this particular family structure has
always been the dominant one, that is not the case.
The nuclear family is a
relatively recent phenomenon, becoming common only within the last century.
Before then, the "traditional" family was multigenerational, with
grandparents often living with their children on farms as well as in urban
environments, typically with other relatives living nearby. The nuclear family
has evolved in response to a number of factors: better health and longer lives,
economic development, industrialization, urbanization, geographic mobility, and
migration to the suburbs. These changes have resulted in physical separation of
extended-family members and in progressive fragmentation of the family.
MYTH: Family Harmony Is The Rule, Not The Exception
Although family life is often
romanticized, it has always been filled with conflicts and
tension. Difficulties between spouses are commonplace, with disagreements
arising over issues ranging from how the children should be raised to how the
family finances should be budgeted. Husbands and wives also often struggle with
their inability to sustain romantic infatuation beyond the first few years of
their marriage, thus having to learn to maintain a relationship in which
partnership and companionship may become more important than passionate love.
Parent-children conflicts are
commonplace too. As parents assert their authority, and children try to assert
their autonomy appropriately, strife is inevitable.
While we often expect families to
be above the chaos that exists in the rest of society, that outlook places
unrealistic expectations upon the family. In the real world, families are not
always a haven, since they, too, can be filled with conflict. Although stress
and disagreements are common, they can be destructive to families, especially
when conflict gets out of hand. Families are under constant stress, being
pushed and pulled from many directions, often without the support systems of
extended families that may have existed in the past.
MYTH: The Stability of A Family Is A Measure of Its Success
Change is a part of life. Death, illness, physical
separation, financial strains, divorce . . . these
are some of the events families have to adjust to. Consequently, stability
shouldn't be the only measure of a family's success. Many families function
quite well, despite frequent disruptions. In fact, one important measure of a
family's success is its ability to adjust to change. Daily life is full of
stresses that constantly demand accommodation from family members.
MYTH: Parents Control Their Children's Fate
In reality, parents cannot
determine how their children will turn out. Inevitably, children assert their
autonomy, creating a niche for themselves separate from their parents. At the
same time, many factors external to both the child and family can influence the
way a child develops.
Even within the same family there
can be tremendous individual variations among siblings in intelligence,
temperament, mood, and sociability. Yet despite these differences, parents are
responsible for imparting to each child a sense of being loved and accepted,
for helping each child to succeed at various developmental tasks, and for
socializing each child into respecting the rules and accepting the
responsibilities society imposes. These are indeed awesome tasks.
Some parents perceive themselves
as having total responsibility for their children's fate. This belief places a
heavy and unrealistic emotional burden on them as well as their youngsters. If
the children are having problems, they often feel a sense of failure; likewise,
the children feel as though they have let their family down if they do not live
up to their parents' expectations. In essence, parents can influence and shape
but cannot control their children's lives.
